Pain is temporary, MS is forever

Missing the ride this weekend was upsetting, for a number of reasons. I organized the team, I trained for the ride, but most of all - I get my highs from completing events that push your physical capabilities to the limits.

My back pain continued on Friday night as I drove to Batavia to stay with friends for the weekend. We had a pasta dinner with our friends that were riding, and although my back was still sore, I was confident that one more night's rest would alleviate some of the pain. I woke up on Saturday and felt slightly better, but still grateful that I didn't bring my bike knowing that I would have wanted to attempt riding a short distance.

After seeing the riders off at 7:00am, I drove 35 miles to see my good friends, The Murray's, who recently moved to St. Charles. I knew I would be bored waiting for hours at the tent while the riders finished, and wanted to stay comfortable with a bed close by in case I needed to lay down. Around 9:30am we started getting calls from the riders that the routes were being closed down due to thunderstorms. After a few chaotic calls, we located all of my close friends, who had found shelter at barns, garages, and even in a ditch. Everyone was safe and the ride was cancelled for the day.

The gang came out to the Murray's to enjoy the pool, some beers and dinner together. My back was still stiff, but I kept convincing myself that one more night and I'd be back to normal. We finally staggered off to bed, and I decided I'd try a night without any pain killers.

I woke up around 8:30am on Sunday, with the pain paralyzing me. Again I couldn't roll over, and had to toss my legs to the side of the bed just to get up. I noticed the pain had moved from my lower back down to my tailbone, the feeling was reminiscent of falling when I broke my back 2 years ago in a rollerblading accident. I staggered to the bathroom and hobbled downstairs to the couch. I took some medicine and fell asleep for a couple more hours.

The rest of the crew had left hours earlier for the second day of the ride. The skies were overcast with hazy clouds, but there was no rain or storms to keep them from accomplishing at least part of the mileage they had set out to complete. My pain had increased and I finally broke down. Walking was unthinkable, sitting was excruciating, even lying down was painful, but the lesser of the three evils. I made a few phone calls to reach out for help.

I hadn't considered seeing a doctor yet. Unfortunately, the reasoning was financial. My insurance has an unreasonable deductible, one that I couldn't rationalize paying for a medical professional to tell me that I have muscle spasms that can only be alleviated with pain medication and rest. But at this point, the pain was such that I figured I didn't have much of a choice. On a Sunday however, there isn't much I could do.

The riders finished their routes and arranged to come back to the Murray's to pick me up and drive my car back to the city. Lucky for me, my friends pulled through to help me get back in one (bent over) piece. So here I lay on my couch, considering how to move and how I will get to the doctor's office in the morning.

The pain is debilitating. Not only could I not ride the Bike MS, by the end of the weekend here I am, I can't walk, sit or practically move without feeling sharp pain equivalent to a knife sticking into my spine. I lay here thinking about my future. What if I can't train for the marathon? What if I can't walk for weeks? What if they don't figure out what's wrong with my back? What if I continue to have back pain for the rest of my life? What if I can't work - my job is directly impacted by my ability to move.

Then I considered why I started the Bike MS team in the first place. People living with MS face much greater fears daily. Fears like what if I can't walk for the rest of my life? What if I go blind? What if my life ends because of a disease that there is no cure for? My pain is the worst I have felt in my entire life. But I don't know the kind of pain that people living with MS feel.

So I will chose to accept the weekend's events. I will take my injury one day at a time to find out what I can do to treat the pain and prevent further complications. I will take care of my body in the best possible way, and be thankful that my pain and fears are not worse than they are. And I will continue to put my energy and physical efforts towards events like the Bike MS, so that one day we can find a cure for diseases that are much more painful, debilitating and life altering than I will ever understand.